I feel your pain, Baby Jane

I feel like Baby Jane, lost on a beach where everyone else is having fun, dreaming of the days when I was some one.

I was speaking yesterday with a now former business associate with whom I shared maybe the best year of my employment. I was at the top of my game, I had a new love and all seemed right with the world. Of course, it was short lived. Good times are always short lived. But it's good to remember that at some point I was a worthwhile person. And while I understand one should never hang one's self esteem on a job, it's what I did and who I was and who I will never be again. I cannot imagine who will hire me or for what. But I am sure that the one thing at which I thought was good is gone, has been gone for a long time. I hung on, for all the wrong reasons, I'm sure, and stayed at the party much too long. Closed doors and open windows and all that...I just don't believe it, not now anyway. Right now, day two of my unemployment, I feel old, useless and unwanted. Not even a chocolate chip cookie will cheer me.

The thing is that I always tried to treat people fairly, I nurtured the employee who will benefit most from my demise. And I do not begrudge him the opportunity, I was young once and I remember. But over the summer he was particularly cruel and that is unforgivable. Clearly, he owes his allegiance to the one who skates with his paycheck in his mouth. But I went to the mat for that kid, more than once, toe-to-toe to protect him. So, I feel betrayed. Probably, that's unfair. Feelings sometimes are.

None of this matters now and I know it. But it shows you just how much crap karma is. Do good to others and duck when the going gets tough. This could be the textbook old-and-out-of-a-job crazies. But right now, I'm not feeling very hopeful.