In Dreams

I live more in dreams these days, dreams where I am employed, valued and at peace. More and more I spend my waking hours pouring over my past, examining the moments in a vain attempt to find the exact moment when my fate was sealed. And now that I know how it ends, I wish again for the moment when speaking would have made no difference but would have made me feel better. This happens because have again been rejected,  this time for a job that I believe I could have filled perfectly. And I wish I knew what it was that lead to someone else getting that job. The past is always bearable of there is a future, or, at least, a future I would have wanted for myself. Enforced retirement isn't it. I think the time between is ending, the time when I believed I was employable. I'll try some freelance, I'll try finding some contentment in what my life has become. Maybe, I will forgive myself.