God bless the insurance companies

I had another of those long, miserable days marked by long, miserable conversations about health insurance. I am uninsurable because I have a chronic disease. So, I thought to throw myself on the mercy of the state. It was a long fall onto hard ground. Well, yes, there is a sort of program that I can apply to but no it will not pay for chemotherapy. Do we love this story or what? I'd have a better chance if I was the unwed mother of several. So, I can kick myself for poor planning or I can kick myself for poor planning, but I cannot hope to have access to care because I planned poorly. As each hour of this enforced retirement passes, I feel more isolated, more obsolete and more alone. I have too much time to review my past sins, mistakes, and foolishness, and I just don't see any way out. I passed panic long ago and went directly to outright terror. I cannot believe that I cannot get a job. I cannot believe that I am superfluous. How's that for hubris? Things could be worse, is my new mantra. But really, being dead is better than this. I kid you not.